The indian Giver

Marie Kondo  Ruined My Life

This book ruined my life 

I love shopping, shopping makes me happy, I am good at shopping ...lets not be modest I'm exceptionally good at shopping.  My favourite smell in the world is not the smell of Chanel thats my second favourite .  My most favouritest favouritest smell in the whole wide world is the smell of new clothes the delicate aroma that drifts up as you snip of the tags off .... sheer bliss.

My mum Is also  great shopper too but she is more disciplined than me .  She has a rule that if you buy anything you have to throw something out. This concept is totally alien to me I would rather chew my own arm off than part with one of my lovely treasures I forgot to mention I have fabulous taste !!
My home is filled with wardrobes and these are jam packed the rafters .  Surplus  garments spilling out are relegated to  clothing rails , these are like the ones you see in shops.  Oops  not forgetting those  hoover bags, I got from costco that let you store stuff taking up a 1/4 of the space.  Quite handy they suck the air out vacuum packing  the clothes so compact you can't see whats in them or remember what you put in them.  I suppose reflecting now It's where you send clothes to die.  The great Abyss that is the vacuum storage  bag.  Then the unmentionable happened I had a huge clearout.  I'm still coming to terms with it I think I'm suffering the after effects.   I'm convinced i'm suffering PTSD  disorder  (post traumatic stress disorder).

Have you ever seen that TV Program  called 'Hoarders'?   Well I watched a 7 hour  Hoarders marathon back to back.  It absolutely petrified me .  Maybe my love of clothing was getting out of hand.  The wardrobes that take over every room in my house would engulf it. When I'm old I would be found dead under a pile of DVF wrap dresses my face half eaten by a  mangy cat . Not that I have a cat  but from dramatic purposes of this story I will have a cat.  These people their  homes groaning under the weight  of their junk. Lets  get this right ,  their belongings are absolute "Tat"  pizza boxes , rusty bicycle tyres , random  dolls heads minus the body and the like.  These Hoarder people  have too much stuff they have to make these pathways to get through their houses .  I started to panic sure hadn't I just stood on the heel of an upturned stiletto ,  nearly breaking  my neck  on the shoe I left by the front door .  The stiletto booby trap , waiting patiently for me to be barefoot before 'taking me out' Maybe I have the 'hoarding' gene.  Maybe it's lying dormant . Maybe it's waiting to spring into action....

The next thing I Know i'm driving to the Trafford Centre and purchased the Maria Kondo  book 'The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up'.  It changed my lifeI read the first two chapters It gave my brain clarity I need to only keep what I love .  I went through my home like whirlwind. I stayed up all night discarding no less than 20 wheelie bin bags of stuff .  I was a the rubbish tip that morning 8am waiting for it to open.   Giddy from lack of sleep car loaded down with bags of stuff apparently I didn't love. Or I probably did love only lack of sleep  told me I didn't love, plus i'm a very fickle person .  Fur CoatBig Knickers was nearly called Fur coat No Knickers as everything was lashed out!!  My sister works in a charity shop I had car loaded with the decent  stuff most still with tags on ready for her to take into work.

My home was so empty my sister said it rattled !!  Days later the euphoria of ridding my house of belongings long gone.  The stark realization that every thing I went to look for I'd binned .
Visiting my mum , my sister arrived looking stunning in a wonderful top and jacket "Ooh their lovely  sis , I like them".  " Thanks they where in those bags I  and love that bag of dior glosses and make up you  got rid of   thanks sis"!!!   "thats my bloody make up bag i've been looking everywhere for it give it me back!!".  The worse thing is now I'm better I keep asking my sis for everything back I see her wearing.  My next stop is going to the charity shop to try and buy some of my stuff back.  I think you can describe me as cured .  My sister said its not called cured its called  being an "Indian Giver"!!

Gym Kit Drawers Folded Via the Marie Kondo Method !!

Big Dinners

                                        

                                     'BIG DINNERS'

I've been hammering the gym this past couple of weeks with  ' Gorgeous M'  by arranging to train with each other we actually turn up .  'Gorgeous M' has just rocked up at the gym in the same top as me. This cruel of fate makes us look like the before & after pic of a SlimFast Ad .  I'm the Barry Bethal before he has ,2 delicious shakes a day followed by a healthy evening meal' version.   'Gorgeous M' has men falling at her feet she doesn't even need to lift a weight all the men swoon and offer to lift  and curl her weights for her if she'd let them .  If only they knew 'Gorgeous M' is the 2nd fastest rower in the gym ,she very modest she never tells you this until she had a few drinks so I like to volunteer the information good friend that I am!!

Anyway back to me for a bit .The personal trainer in my gym is some type of Mr England or Northwest bodybuilding fella. For the sake of this tale we shall call him Big Dinners .Do you remember those old WWF wrestling plastic figures they where popular a few years back ? Well he resembles one of those just a wee bit taller.  Any way you can't miss ' Big Dinners'  for he has a great love of day-glow gym kits he's very co-ordinated,  one day he's lime green  the next day he's neon orange . He's like a model from the Safety in the Workplace Workwear Catalogue .  'Big Dinners' is to blame for the reason i'm still chunky.

'Big Dinners' thinks that I fancy him and no its no in my imagination before you say.  A few times when I have engaged him in conversation or said "hi" . Every time he gives me this bizarre look that says "omigod she's on my case".  I swear he makes me feel like one of Rolf Harris's Gang .   He's taking the circuit class after the spin class we're doing today 'Gorgeous M'  has signed us up for it.  I was all for it until I realised he's taking the class. Not a chance am I going in. For one he'll think i'm stalking him ,  For two one wrong move of a flailing limb and an accidental brush I can see it now we will end up in Coppy Lane Police station. The Police Officer  saying to 'Big Dinners'  "show the policeman on the doll where the lady touched you" and me arrested .  It won't end well.  See its his fault I'm still chunky !!

"show the Policeman on the doll where the lady touched you"

UPDATE  'Gorgeous M' did the class she said no one talks and  Big Dinners doesn't speak whatsoever except to count out the last few seconds . Gorgeous M said it was like doing a workout in  a Library so she's not doing it again I think she going to concentrate on being the  'THE Fastest Rower In The Gym' instead...



Have a great  a great week.

Angel

London Underground Adds New Lines

Thats it now, I need to quit this bloody messing about the weight malarkey is getting out of hand.  I've just got home from work from a soul destroying day and stripped out my work uniform , as if my day couldn't get any worse.  As I shed my clothing  I have big red lines where my work skirt waist band was, lines off  my knickers , double whammy of lines from the bra straps and back fastening then to add insult to injury even the gossamer thin 10 denier tights thats ladder the minute you breath on them leave a waist band line .   My body resembles the London Underground Map!!  Cut a girl a break,  to be honest I can't believe I actually going to share this with you , but as we're now old  friends now you been with me for my last few posts. Shame upon shame  the last two days on the trot no joke I have put my arse  through my tights My tights resemble semi opaque  black nylon pair of chaps.

Think Christina Aguilera in her "Dirty" video. Then edit that vision to a  forty something ,size 14 , milk bottle white backside.  I know Xtina  will  be panicking now "There's a New Kid On The Block' (not).
  

So the goal this week for me is to plan a perfect week via keeping a food diary and scheduling some great workouts and lets get this show on the road.  Must dash now as need to run pick up some tights for work tomorrow.

Have great week , speak soon

Ang x

Furcoatbigknickersblog.blogspot.com

 

My Work Tights Today

Please God.....

image via google images

Absolutely nothing fits abso'bloody'lutely  nothing, nada, nish, not a a sodding thing.  How the hell has this happened? I feel likes its happened overnight  but the reality is it hasn't.  


I work part time and save all my annual leave up like a bank account and take a hefty 3 months off every year.  (then cry I'm poor after my leave).   When I'm due back to work I start to wake with night sweats dreaming  that I can't fit into  my uniform.  The closer its gets the more I wake up then I call in the the big dogs. Healthy eating nope  what I do is I will start  to bargain with God "please God please get me in my uniform ...please please.....pretty please......I'll never ask you for another ever favour again..this week", I hastily add the onto the end . This how me and God work !!

One morning I get up to get ready for work its the middle of the night 330am Im wearing full makeup hair blown and stereotypical air hostess  bun in place .  I go to put on my work skirt when no word of a lie ,the waistband won't go past my knees ,omigod I have big knees .  Do I phone crewing "sorry I can't come to work today I've put weight on and my skirt doesn't fit ."  My boss will love that ,  my cheeks start to tingle ,my heart is going to beat out of my chest. 

 Bargaining with God is about to start any minute.  I'm on the  verge of greasing my self up with the Lucy Bee coconut oil out of  the kitchen cupboard.(it's famous for its million uses incase you haven't heard!!) . Hopping from foot to foot in my underwear after all its like a quick burst of cardio maybe that will help me drop a stone in a minute and that  the noise of it will wake God up  and he will be like  "Jesus woman I'll get you in the blasted skirt if you be quiet and let me get back to sleep."     

No messing God pulls through, he honestly pulls through. Don't get me wrong I  have suddenly been granted a miracle and he's knocked  three stone off me.  But what he has done is  made me look at the size on the label of my skirt.  I have drawers of old uniform bits when I look at the size on my work skirt that can't go past my big old knees , its only my old small size  10 work skirt that I wore a couple of years ago when I used to run a daily 10km  before damaging my knee. I 'd only ironed the wrong work skirt . Bittersweet is this triumph As  the saying goes 'god works in mysterious ways'  he certainly certainly does .  "Thank you, thank you, thank you " I keep repeating as I fish my generous size  14 skirt out the drawer and  hastily iron it . Legging  it out the door I jump in my car ,  nooooo this can't be happening to me . Only petrols is on the red.  Im going to be late no time to fill up "Please God.........I really really promise I really won't ask another favour again ......if you'll just...."
  

Have a great week

Ang x

Furcoatbigknickersblog.blogspot.com

"nothing tastes as good a skinny feels"

                                                       quote

                                                                                                    Kate Moss

Well obviously bloody Kate Moss has never tried saying no to my mum the best baker ever , even Mary Berry is looking over her shoulder.  You see my mum is tiny she'll tell you she's 5ft , she's not she's more like 4ft 11 on tip toes.  Anyway Sheelah (my mum) is a feeder she bakes all day she bakes every  christmas cake , mince pie batch , birthday cake ,biscuits , fudge , treacle toffee  even my last years birthday cake was a 'Wonder Woman' carrot cake  with frosting you name it she has it on the go. But 'Our Sheelah' is a sly arse she's never had a weight problem ever because she never, ever-ever eats  her own stuff.

So  she makes a shed load of sugary delights which me & my sis try and decline as we proper pile weight on just through inhaling the scent of vanilla . My mums lip quivers as she's showing us she loves us with cakes and we are mean ungrateful  daughters trying to drop kick her "Cupcakes of Love" as far away as we can get them. So we relent we eat her cakes piling the weight on. Our arse's spreading by the minute because we love her .  Then later that week she'll drop into a conversation , just like a soldier biting the pin out of a hand grenade and launching it at you , as your stuffing your gob with one of her left over cakes "Oooh you best go careful on them cakes your starting to pile the weight on"!!! I Swear those words are like a  knife through the heart . Sheelah's cakes are are a double edged sword or should I say 'double edged cake slice'!!

Any how I'm adamant I don't want a birthday cake and it's my birthday this week , so we shall see .....

                                                                    image via google images 

Sheelah's next batch of ammo... oops I mean cupcakes!!!

Speak soon, be good & have great week.


Ang x
furcoatbigknickersblog.blogspot.com

The Star Wars Bar

SLIMMING TALES  continued (part2)

The Star Wars Bar

Image Therapy in this group is like nothing Ive ever witnessed another slimmingworld group ever.  I feel like Alice in onderland where only instead of landing in in the mad hatters tea party I've landed
smack bang into  the bar from Star Wars.

Image Therapy session

 Each member asked about there week about there ups and downs . One woman first to speak took nearly 10 mins  she didn't need image therapy she needed a couch and physchiatrist bloody hell!!   On and on it went  slimmer after slimmer confessing to drinking copious amounts of alcohol  I began to think AA meeting probably  be more beneficial to these folk than this group!!

Jack Duckworth  told us exactly how many syns in a bottle of vodka and how you can have a 1.5 litre a week by using all syns for vodka and still lose weight!! I probably lose at least 2 days of my life and the function of my liver if even try this!!  Then a few had gains no word of lie one woman fuming mad  insisting she stuck to the plan 100%  further investigation was she'd been having around 10  muller light yogurts a day 10!which are syn free on the plan  first how the hell can you afford 10 mullers a day !! Quick bit of maths 10 mullers per day @ 60p day = £2190  ....... PRICE OF BLOODY CHANEL HANDBAG!!  

(The more you get to know me you'll find use handbags  and facials as currency converter and or price comparisons)  

Next slimmer who gained again adamant following plan to letter had been living of the famous slimmingworld syn free chips.  Asked how shed been making them  she described  been pouring the bottles of frylight into her deep fat fryer to make them ....... "well fry lights free isn't it" she stated deadpan .   I swear lips to gods are this is the truth you couldn't make this stuff up.  Will I lose weight in this group god bloody knows !!  I'm blaming bloody my crazy yoga pal for this by the way she flying she lost 8lb!!

Have great week 

Ang

Jack Duckworth & the Slimming Club

Chronicles of my my quest getting it going on and being bang tidy in my 40's!

THE SLIMMING CLUB

"ER I DON'T THINK SO"!!

YOUNG  JACK DUCKWORTH

My crazy yoga pal has talked me into joing Slimmingworld with her . She joined last week , her crazy exploits keep me entertained no end so I've mainly joined to spend time with her . Although I have got some weight to shift to boot too!!

The SW group was a good 35 minute drive on a good day from my house. Its held inn area which is classed as quite cosmopolitan and also affluent area. Known for its beautiful beach views, yoga studios and one of the best private schools in the country.  The SW group however wasn't held in the usual Church Hall/Community Centre favoured by weight loss groups but a real old fashioned "boozer". Don't get me wrong I no snob ... ok a bit of a one I am called  'fur coat Big Knickers' after all !!  I'm not expecting it to be cloud 23 bar in the hilton but its not even one of the lovely wine bars in abundance up here.  Anyway I approach the entrance to the doors where there is a huddle of men standing smoking outside. I excuse my way through them,  one of the men smoking  who resembles a younger Jack Duckworth pipes up , "Can i help you?"   to which I mutter  in my best snooty  tone "Er ...I don't think so "and dodge around him and enter the door.

I go into my class and pay my fees to join , the lady taking the money says " I need to introduce you to the  slimming world consultant , he'll be here in a minute ". 

"He'll be here in a minute" ..... "HE will be here in a minute" echoes throughout my brain the leader  of my new slimming world group  is a man. Yes you know where this story is going 'Jack Duckworth' is only my the bloody consultant .  

We've already met .... Kill me now !!!

Any one know how many SYNS in a large slice of humble pie?


 to be continued 



ang x